Thursday, September 10, 2009

Up In The Night

I can't sleep. My heart is pounding. I just fired up the computer that Padre put to sleep! ahh.. the joy of being on prednison. I sat in bed thinking about blogging. I have been digging I read over why she blogged tonight before I went to bed the first time.

I thought about all my journals-- lining the closet in my bedroom downstairs. Now I am starting to line Jaden's closet with his. Putting it on a blog is the only option. I am running out of paper. Yes, I can get the 15 cent spiral notebooks at Wal-Mart. Yes, I love to write out my feelings on paper. It's like art. But sometimes you have to just go for what you feel you need to do.And I am feeling that I need to blog.

So I am glad for the inspiration that I have gotten from Steph Nielson. It's time for me to get the guts to do the same. How else can we touch other people's lives?

This isn't why my heart is pounding. But it is adding to it. I am on prednisone. And one of my favorite side effects is sleep deprivation. Hopefully it won't be long that I am on it and if so, then I will have to join the A train. Ambien is great at first. But there have been times (like last Halloween) when I woke up with a candy wrapper clutched in my fist. I was like: "How did that get there?" It can make you sleep eat.

Another side effect of pred. is weight gain. Just tonight Jaden said: "I noticed today that you are getting plump." we laughed.

Earlier today I picked up a new medication that I have never been on before. My stomache has been cramping pretty bad so I took the motorized cart. This is always a pride issue for me. To use or not to use? The pain was enough that I resorted to this. I was looking pretty sharp today in sweats and a long sleeved hoodie to hide the hideous green and yellow bruises on my arm. The result of veins blowing at the last hospital stay. Normally I am not too self-conscious. But there are just some days when you don't want what it is you have been dealt. It isn't fun to always be at the pharmacy picking up meds. Thanks to awesome workers there though. They truly help me out. So today I picked up a new med. An anti-biotic. Initially not even available. They had to order it in. Not a good sign. Then my eyes about bugged out when I saw that it was over 1k. Yes. For a two week course. I was about brought to my knees then and there at Wal-mart. "Thank You, Father. Thank you. Thank you." I am so grateful for insurance. For a med that can help me after struggling for some time with an infection that won't quit. So I took a couple already and just cross my fingers. "Please don't be a waste. Please work."

I was very fatigued today. I got Jaden off to school, did laundry, then rested. Later tonight I got to enjoy watching him on his 'pit' bike. he is getting really handy on the smaller bike at doing jumps off the curb etc. The sun was golden and it felt autumn-ish. I just sat and watched him in that moment. Of course he didn't look once and I had to remind him to go off the curb at an angle. There are tons of cars parked on the road and the kids on this block getting jumping the curbs and not looking.... I gave some of them a talk after Mark told me he about hit one of them the other day. Jaden also crowds around my siblings when they pull up like people do in third world countries when supplies are dropped off after a monsoon or something. Jacob, my brother, gave that analogy. But the kids do just spill around the cars when they pull up. he was chasing after his skateboard and Jacob was parallel parking. Lots of discussion. All my efforts to make sure he is safe with the helmets etc. I cwould be wiped out in on moment.

So constantly I nag. "Watch for cars." It was so timeless tonight watching him. I would hate for that moment to be swallowed up by an accident.

I have to chuckle. The other day when I was showing the boys on the street a pamplet about safety I had them read on the back some words on top of a band-aid. "Stupid hurts." One of the boys was really mad at me, and when his Dad and I talked later he said: "My mom was in a car accident and she survived!"

No one likes to be told what to do. I am glad Jaden listens at least half the time. He has crashed pretty good on the dirt jumps we've gone to or the skate park but he has always been in heis gear. His worst injuries are when he just jumps on the scooter to dart around a second and he falls after a stunt. It def drives the point home.

We found a vacant lot that is similiar to the skate park next to Western Transmission. That is convenient cause we can just ride down Olympia and cross Skyline and boom, we're there. Where as the skatepark is so far a way and a waste of gas.

He was clearing some weeds at teh lot and one occassion I happened to try to read my book. "Mom, why didn't you clap?" I looked up and was a bit incredulous, but felt compelled to hop on my orange cruiser and ride into the lot. I got down there and the weeds he was jumpin were actually growing from a sizable hole. "Wow!" I said honestly. "you cleared that!?" No wonder he wanted some kind of cheering going on. After he does a stunt he throws his head back to adjust his helmet or to look cool. Lets his right hand dangle at his side. Oozing the "I'm bad" attitude.

I try to quiz him on his spelling words during each revolution. Which he calls a 'revelation'. "Mom, I just need to take one more revelation before we leave."

Funny. I can't help but be so proud to be his mom. Every day I learn something from him. Or laugh. Like yesterday he said he got an "office" at school. I quizzed him to see what he meant and it came down to a big divider that is put on their desks for tests. Today he came home and told me that he had gotten so close to winning a prize, but his name got turned over and he has to start over. I can only imagine that it is shear torture to try not to talk for him.

We have been working on getting to bed early. Now that is torture for him. Seeing the sun shining and the kids still playing and I am saying: "Time for bed." In the hospital I watched the news talk about some book called the Nurture Shock by Po Bronson. I need to look into it. But they talked about the benefits of getting the right sleep and how they have done some studies to show that it increased their grades. I thought that was sort of a no-brainer. But I guess the book made the Barnes and Noble top list. So I will google it later or call the local library and have them order that in.

I have a 9 dollar fine over there now. Good grief! It is the most I have ever gotten on it. I need to stop taking so many books at once. They are great about ordering in books that you suggest though if they don't have it. Oh, another book I wanted to look into was one called Emotional Intelligence by somebody Gilmore. Sonja my nurse told me about it at the U last week and it sounded really good. I just finished Charlie's Monument tonight. Alyssa gave me the poem on Sunday and then they let me borrow it. I read it in 7th grade and had forgotten most of it. So it was good to read again.I thought about me writing being like the guy pulling up rocks onto the top of Baldy Mountain. That what I write will be a monument for me; a sign that I have been here. but I have to put it somewhere that it can be seen. Sitting on my shelf downstairs is not going to get noticed right away. So my goals that I wrote down on the last page of the green spriral notebook was to start carrying around the camera more and taking pictures to put on here. The second is to learn to use Dad's new Nikon so I can get really good pics.

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