Monday, March 11, 2013

He Doesn't Remember? igland idea

Sorry to post twice. The first was simply thinking aloud. This time it is to get rid of to let go of some pain.
Tonight as we talked- J. and I talk still do that at night. But some of our routine has been wiped out.
I used to sing. The same songs, in the same order before he went to sleep at each nap time and then at bed time. I'm sure you all had that phase out. But I liked finishing reading out scriptures and books then leading into the songs. It calmed me too. Where did my lung capacity go?
But tonight when I asked about a particular bike ride- he could not recall it. We went on zillions. Me with my orange cruiser. Before they were popular. He became mobile with the help of a hard seated little bike minus the shanks.
A trip down to the gun shop down town. (he picked the destination.) He padded the little skeleton of a bike into the store to the chagrin of the owner, patrons, and his mom....
We then went Parisian-esque to Great Harvest and got bread that we ate under the umbrellas.
He was saddle sore. And you would be too if you'd seen his seat. So we were picked up.
We came home, traded out bikes for the one with the pedals- he wasn't out of energy yet and he rode down the street by himself.
He was mobile. It was the first time in his life that I felt he was "off" and on his way without me.
I was majorly tired and burdened with the burdens of divorce.
But we rode.
Kids aren't supposed to have Alzheimer's moments! The bike ride I eluded to was a blur to him,, but are so vivid in  my mind.
Those times are all jumbled in a blur to a child. But tonight, when I referred to the ride, and he couldn't recall it hurt me more than I expected.
Was it because so much  went into those first few years of his life? So much heartache and sleepless nights, worries and sacrifices over so many things?

And the kid can't recall any of it?
I should be glad that those things- those worrisome things were, as planned, kept far from his little mind. He shouldn't have to feel those burdens. But, Oh! How I wished he recalled the fun times. 
I'm glad I kept journals. Wrote them down. So one day he will go back and "remember". And thank heavens there are the pictures. He'll see when I didn't have the double chin and prednisone effects.

But it doesn't take away the heartache that I feel now in trying to get back to the point where I can ride with him again.
If it comes. I did intervals on the Tread Mill. Walk. Stop and Rest. Walk. I don't even bother with shoes. I only go on level 1. (J. takes level 10 and run  like it is nothing- but having good lungs helps._). Since day 1 he has been my physical trainer.
* I just got on the Tread. Burned another M&M. I think I've burned 16 since three days ago. Man, they are a hard price to pay for such a little thing.
As I did my penance walk, I got to wishing.
I wish Steve Jobs were still alive. I'd email him, set up a time we could walk barefoot  around his campus(he did this) and talk about an" igland"
A device that would hook up to all his others that would tell me how much cortisol I had used. So I wouldn't lie in bed or back off on pushing myself to the "limit".  It would be huge and would go directly into what he told his son would be the wave of the future.... medicine.
Then each day I would wake up with my igland attached and I would type in what I needed to do- and it of course would calculate all the cortisol needed for those tasks and tell me when to slow down and when to pour it on. And my adrenal glands would come back to life. I wouldn't burn them out.
I wouldn't sit in bed, depressed about being non productive. I'd know that I was letting my gland rest and fix itself. It wouldn't feel like dead beat time. It would feel, well, productive and smart.

this thing probably already exists and an Endocrinologist will tell me thus or tell me there is some test that doest the same thing. But not in a cool, Apple, Inc. sort or way.
Instead I have to trust and follow my gut. That is harder. However, probably more accurate. Human instinct will always trump computers/technology.

It's just following it that is hard.

Item numero uno today- get an Endocrinologist.

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