Saturday, March 16, 2013

Goals. small. goals.

I've always believed in setting them. But, at a point over the years I starteed to believe that I couldn't make any with my circumstances.
Say for instance completing my degreee. 3 or 4 times I got shut down.
Even in looking at pictures or "rating" my health from various years or days or weeks- it was impossible to  quantify it. I guess that is the word I'm looking for or fits what I am trying to say.

It is more like walking down an escalator at the same speed it is rising and just staying in the middle. Or worse, working hard core to not even keep up with trying to make it down the steps and moving upward.

As I write this I think of J. and his desires to accumulate money. He doesn't want to fiddle with the pennies. I encourage him with smashing his cans to keep doing it because at least he has one more penny than he started with. He'd rather wait for the big job that pays the big dollar bill.

As I try to fulfill my goals it feels like these pennies. Small, non-earth shattering progress. In fact, sometimes I am busting it to keep status quo. Earning or seemingly going no where.

Like the Tread Mill. I'm walking but it isn't taking me anywhere. I am still in the same place.

So do you stop? Stop making the goals because it doesn't move you forward?

Unless I wanna go backward, I gotta keep trying to go forward when all it ends up being is facing forward.

This probably makes no sense- but my goal is to keep writing. Whether I feel it, or not.

Documenting is my goal.

On another note, last night I had J. take a pen to my toes and touch each one to see if I could feel it. Yup. It sent lightning like shocks when he touched the tip of the pen to each toe. I'd thought they were numb. But they are ultra sensitive. However it was a sharp pen.

So it's just pressure from water retention. And slowly. Slowly I am coming off the cause of that. Which is another frustration. half mgs. longer weeks. I don't like that.

You can't do crunches very well with a double chin and prednisone "redistributed belly fat" very easily. It just gets me laughing. Then wanting to cry.

So I gotta revamp how I look, quatify or measure my goals. I need to rethink what I believe Progress is in my scenario.

I'll update when I figure out what that looks like.

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