Saturday, November 15, 2014

The Worst Feeling & J's Santa Letter

1. When you wake up and everything feels normal until you realize: it isn't- and you remember why.
It is usually accompanied with a swollen nasal cavity from crying yer sorry self to sleep. Or you had sinus surgery. And tried not to cry. Cause that makes it worse.

The "Worstest"  could be something as trivial as thinking you made it through the night when really it only 2:30 and you have the rest of the night to be alone with your alone-ness and on prednisone-ness.
And your body hurts in more ways than one.

That's actually not the worst feeling.

It's one. What adds insult to injury about sleeping and waking to Worse is it always involves forgeting, waking up like usual, and thinking everything is actually fine and your body for a split second does too, then it remembers and tells your brain which tells your heart and..... bluuuuhhh.

Or maybe it is all physical. There is a millisecond of alm then the pain screeches in passed your sub-con. and  fills your whole being! Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean Owieeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How does that work anyway- calm then BAM; instant shock... ?

There have been moments lately when I have woken from a nap even and thought all was okay and then thought of a friend. And realized all wasn't okay and I ached for her. Then another friend needed aching for and it was time to strap on the bare another's burden back pack. This one is actually heavy. You wouldn't think it because, technically it isn't YOUR problem, but somehow it is if you care for the people with the problem.
And then it IS your problem if ya love 'em.
Cause your heart hurts. So ya carry that and theirs with you in your little burden bundle and carry on.
Until you can maybe have someone shoulder it and carry it with you. That's a diff. post. special for Christmas.

 This one needs to stay on track with "The Worst Feeling" to really wallow in it! In a good, fun, happy way!

2. Another worst is when you are AWAKE and you think to yourself:
"This can't be happening. It has to be a dream."

But you are awake and, therefore, it is not! Like you lost your wallet. Or someone stole your wallet. From your purse inside your garage- (this really happened to a friend, Readers. ALWAYS lock your doors, even at the gas pump. )


you overslept on a test day.


 just overslept the alarm clock and it's not the weekend like your dream told you.
Don't you hate when dreams lie?

 Like when they make you think you did your morning routine and then the alarm goes off after being snoozed for a few minutes and you haven't showered, blown your long hair dried, hot ironed it, put on make-up at all! You are in bed still!


Side note here: I feel really stiff in my head and neck right now. I thought that was what was supposed to be helped at an appt. yesterday. I am keeping strict notes on massage therapy, acupuncture, self help books, yummy food and whatever else that needs to have some data and documenting as to what helps. (It was 2:30 a.m. when I started this. And all we had going for us was flu shots under belts, procedures, and possibly some work with the snow fall. For J. not me.)

And I am trying to drink A LOT of water so I can go to the bathroom cause in my dreams I dreamt that I was doing plumbing work that I had to fix and Padre wasn't around or something.  This dream must have come about because J. had a stomach ache last night and was thinking of throwing up. Or maybe I was thinking he was gunna hurl. So I had hoped he would do it in the toilet before it was in the middle of the night. Cause being woken up to needing to clean up puke isn't fun. (But I am already up...)

 Instead he took a bath and a bucket was put by his bed. And I tried to help him get through the stomach pain but secretly was hoping that he wouldn't throw up anywhere but the toilet.

I know I am rambling because it is the middle of the night, I don't feel good, and my friends probably have their phones on silent. Kidding! I wouldn't call or text you in the middle of the night on a school day! sheesh, friends! Okay, maybe if it was really bad, I would.

What else was I going to blog about? I know I could work on a craft but you see, I can hardly type. So this is a bonus, Readers. WE have to find a way til morning that doesn't involve wrapping yarn around anything. So the wait until when I take the now higher dose of prednisone (due to the asthma attack a few days ago.) then things might feel a bit better. Yuck. I just have to say that. Yuck. The taste of that med makes my nausea worse. Hey, that is another worst: Nausea. Trade it for pain any day. Sorry for you who get nauseated while pregnant. Or while driving in a car. Or riding in a car. Doesn't it just feel so much better to throw up?

Not the coolest topic, but it is something that is a relief. When you are sweating out a fever, the pulsing of poison in your body and then finally it leaves. Briefly. Like waves it comes back, but for that brief, post puke moment, the floor of the bathroom cool to the touch (and sanitary we'll pretend), is the best feeling. I wish I could feel like that. I wonder if I went and just laid down on the cold bathroom floor..... if it was mopped. Darn.

That ranks up there with having your child. (Not mopping but the good feeling and sense of relief) Seeing your child overcome something hard. Any child for the empty nest people. AND it ranks up there with having a hot bath. wow. Those are so nice. Especially if it's cold and you have arthritis. Sad that cold has to do things to our bodies. But in Idaho it is cold so we have charachter.

Am I still rambling?

 Here is something non-ramblish.

J's letter to Santa.

It was so cute.

(like J. 7 years ago. We should dress him up like this for the Thanksgiving dinner this year!)

As you know I am trying or do try to make it look festive with my decor or just be festive. Maybe some of you accomplish this with a pair of holiday socks. For me, I try to do something totally beyond my physical ability, so I can be sicker during the holidays. (see past posts)

The reason he wrote a letter was because her knows Santa suffers from amnesia. And he is now entering into the stage where you stop writing letters but his mom still sings:
: "Ya better watch out....."  if she suspects poor behavior.

And if he gets mad, Readers, well I tell him that unbelievers get underwear. And believers do too but they get more than just that! I told him to wish away! Write or jot down his deepest wants in life, Readers! Why?

Because I forgot how to look on the bright side of things lately and needed to do just that and when I did, it made me feel better.   It made me feel happy to think that this life isn't just to be endured, but enjoyed! Yes, let's be frugal and use our noodles! But why can't we write down what we really want?
Or say it?

Don't Beauty Pagent girls want things really far from reach, too. Like world peace? I know that's an old one but they wanted it and said it as their platform.

Okay, where is J's letter? Ah, on the back of my computer where he taped it so it wouldn't get lost.

Dear Santa,

               I really want an ax this year in brown and black. I want to try and do better and treat my mom nice. I really like to cut wood for fires when I'm camping.



Cute, huh? (there is more to the list but for this post I summed up.) I need to read him the short story of McManus' about the Christmas Hatchet. He's already gone through one hatchet acquired from a Mountain Man Rendezvous and that isn't lookin so hot. It was actually just for that- lookin' at. But he wanted to put it to use after watching them throw them at a target. A lot of people come out to those Yellowstone Rendezvous and it really makes it hard to distract a kid when you drive by it on the way to a destination or your camping spot. (The tents are huge!)

It even makes them re-inforce why you should have let them get a full leather buckskin outfit like Lewis and Clark. "See? This is one of the times they could have worn it!" is their rationale. I just tell the kid to keep his rations to himself cause the people selling their wares at those places work on Wall Street in the off Mountain Man Season.

The hatchet also made me recall an accident involving the small, portable hatchet when we were half way through a week long hike. We had started on the Jackson side of the Tetons and were half way to the Driggs side.

It was one of those beautiful days when the sun is shining, you are playing amongst the flowers, etc. and someone hollers out in pain. Which leads to the third worst feeling I am thinking of tonight. (I forgot to number the other ones that I added up there so just pretend we can count.)

3. Yup, one of the teens was chopping wood and hit himself in the shin with the ax. Great. Luckily we had a Dr. with us- a dentist. And there were plenty of men that knew how to fix him up, but there was talk of carrying him out on a mummy bag improvised as a stretcher.

So when I read letters to Santa like that- I think of worst case scenarios.

Another bad feeling is being on prednisone - or worse, learning you will have to go on it again and feel that feeling. I didn't know it would last over three years. wah.

hmmm... what else can I put down?

Oh, it snowed really bad yesterday and that meant a lot of people off the road. We all think that it is okay to drive the same and forget how to drive in snow even though it was just summer when we had to. Or feels like it.

We actually saw, off the highway, a Ford Explorer had slid off and "jumped" the high barb wire fence and was sitting on top of some rusted out cars. It wasn't even close to the Sunnyside exit and here we were with flashing lights from a cop car, flashing cones so we could see it in the blizzard like wet snow flakes falling down, and we had to slow down to get the whole wreck situation assesed. Well, that was Padre's idea. He was driving me. Which I was glad. However, we could have had our truck to drive in this weather had we not been hit by another truck. While we were parked. And they just rammed into us like they didn't see us and we coudln't have been more obvious. And you don't go backwards through a round about at the hospital. ???? I'm still confused on this worst feeling.

Which made it so I was going to ANOTHER Dr. appt. and we were NOT in our truck.

The number 1 worst feeling involves kids. When they are lost, not found, hurt, or whatever. I can endure a lot of things but when it comes to a hurt kid...... folks that takes the Worst Feeling Cake.

Once we lost my little sister in an amusement park. I prayed right there in the jumpy house that I'd seen her last. I went about that park- by myself, oddly enough, and searched for her. Luckily, we found her. Padre even took us to McD's afterward.

Another Worst.......

Is simply being unable. Unable to go outside and snowblow side walks with Jaden. Well, he doesn't need my help anymore. He knows how to start it, etc.

(had to start him out early cause he had so many things he liked to do. I helped him a lot. So glad he can see over the bar of the mower now.)

-Being unable to take a new shirt and put it in a bucket of cold water and vinegar to shock the color so it lasts longer. I know. Who does that ? Martha Stewart or someone. I read about it and have used it and it seems to keep my shirts brighter. As I tried to hold the bucket beneath the shower head it got heavy at the two inch mark. I know. I used to bench 135. Well, once. I did it once. Now my right forearm, even with a brace, is so pathetically wimpy!!

Really, all ya can do is laugh at this point. Ya know? We read the Preface and first chapter of the Survival book. It totally pertained to a conversation with J. tonight.

I am throwing my wishes out there just cause-
I want new veins for Christmas.
I wish I could cross country ski with my kid.
I want to be off prednisone and if not, have the courage to endure it.
I want to learn to sew great stuff.
I want to make a wreath with a million rosettes of an old book. Some in different colors.
I want

Tonight I am REALLY looking forward to reading a book with him written by a guy who is or was a Green Beret. Had a tough life but it is a survival book. Not like the TV survival stuff where they drop you in a bikini in the middle of Finland- but real life survival.

J. will love it, I think. It had high ratings.
Swimming Pool - stained glass star 6 inches aquamarine, turquoise, green glass
I also am looking forward to this star made by Piggy and Dirt. Jaden liked it and it goes with our theme for the year: All is Well. The blue is like water and the pioneers that we have been reading about had to cross a lot of cold rivers. Just having Idaho dump snow on us makes me think of these people and the sacrifices, fears, and perserverance. I am glad he picked this out. He doesn't know he is getting it as a gift for Christmas. In fact, if he did he would wonder what in the world I was thinking using precious money that could go toward something that he REALLY loves.
But I am sentinmental. And I want him to remember these people when he sees it!


Wulp, this is how tonight went- hard day for me, sister came to help me out, and then there was the meltdown of emotion. for J.
this is how it went:

We read Hawkes book and the number one rule is: Never Give Up. And he talks about how negativity is a waste of much needed energy. I about whipped out a scripture marker for some of the paragraphs Jaden read aloud to me.

(years ago, when I could rake and be out in the yard and garden. That's a wish for this year!)

Things I am sitting here wishing I had done; taken a Calligraphy Class.
New pillow case out of cute citrine material.

I am so grateful for what I have. Despite being up for nearly a day now, unable to swallow without pain and the tissue in my mouth on down feeling like it is on fire- I am here. I am making it.
And later today I will ask J. to upload pics for me. Or Padre. Maybe he will take some for me.
Ugh. I might as well do my morning regimen.

Need to rest! Pictures later... as soon as I can train Jaden to put picture on here that he has taken and can ghostblog! Wouldn't that be a great feeling?

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