Monday, June 30, 2014

A Thousand of White Legs Under the Sea Part II

Some White Legs

My last post was halted due to a misbehaving computer. Pulled 'er outta putting her nose in time out. 

Now I gotta go read what I wrote and why I thought what I was gonna write would be funny.....*

K- now I remember. I have white legs, it is now summer and my blog title is linking Jules Verne's 20k legs (Leagues/whatever/)  to be funny and well, it isn't. But, incorrectly, there are more than just that; a thousand untanned legs are in the water right now.
(not counting the ones that have been to tanning salons. The lines get long especially now that men are using them, too.

I haven't crunched the numbers cause we sent the snorkeling stuff to the thrift store after realizing it was just a faster way to drink chlorine, and salt. And I don't want to pay to rent any.
And, actually, I don't know of much recreational scuba diving going on around here unless, sadly there is a tragedy along the Snake River or nearby dams. Please be careful, Readers.
(truly. no funny in that last request. Our community has had many tragedies that could have been avoided. And summer always brings news and articles of inevitable loss. Hug your kids.)
Technically it should be summer but, in Idaho,  you recall it snows on occasion in June. Once in July. (See library Archives. I didn't but I know I heard it snowed in July and so the library must archive that stuff.)And just last week it snow/hailed and gusting across  Broadway while I drove while I ran errands. It [the snow] was the topic of conversation with everyone I talked to that day.

Me: " Can you believe this?" I said as if surprised that weather in Idaho was jumbled up like a rubix cube used by someone who never figured it out on their own. (I just peeled the stickers off to match up the sides.)
Person: shaking his/her head.

Me: "It's as if we are driving over  Malad Pass in winter!"

Another person: "I didn't bring an umbrella before I left today. The sun was barely visible behind semi- dark clouds"

Me: "Me either! But that is only because my umbrella likes to crumple when it sees the wind coming ;it hides behind my back or worse yets runs away. Very wimpy umbrella I own."
(Clap your hands together and pretend I am a boring professor just did the same and who has lectured for some time now and you, as a student have been day dreaming on a hard auditorium chair and wishing the professor, or I, was going to get to the point.)
My point: Even us locals act surprised when weather misbehaves.
We haven't had to witness any views of the earth showing a huge hurricane looming onto toward Idaho, an advantage being inland and only a stones throw from a huge volcano that is a National/International Park.
Nope, we don't have monsoon season to worry about. Just hunting season if you are married to a hunter.
What we do have in common is advisories. For instance, there are snow advisories for going over The PASS- which there are several mountain passes depending on if you go North, East or South of I.F.
And then we have PAST experiences (not to confuse with the treacherous winding roads that are always under construction this time of year), like mutual funds, aren't necessarily a predictor of future fluctuation.
Heck, I was in a line at the gas station along with some tourists from, well, not here, because they clearly were not dressed for the weather. Nor for the long line at the gas station.
And they looked like travelers to me while I was trying to act surprised by the weather and pretend I was smart enough to dress for the bad weather, and they only nodded.
Clearly, they didn't know Idaho.
Oh, and one person
 did say: 'Yellowstone' and nodded while I was trying to dry off with a towel in my purse. Yellowstone is basically a stones throw from where I live.
The thing that finally tipped me off that they were travelers was that they left their luggage on the bus outside and I was juggling mine to find the towel and hand sanitizer.
Rubbing my hands on my arms,  I found out is a universal feeling/language for:
"It's cold outside!"
Or at least it gets a smile.
And some people nod their heads.
Just like a smile is universal for the sign of happiness. Or fake happiness. Or the fact that you save money and that makes you happy. Because you don't have to worry about bills. So you smile.
And whistle. Even while you work! Or wait to use the bathroom with Crohns Disease!
People, for the most part, are pretty nice when you are in a
l     o   n    g 
gas station bathroom line and you are having small talk about the weather.  What else can you do when you have to go so bad, and your plight is futile?
You don't want to simply cut in front of everyone in front of you and show a card that you are
Gastrointestinal Challenged.
And besides, that would give Idaho a bad name. For the most part, we are nice. I've been in other states and found un-nice people. they think us Idahoans are bad drivers cause we like to enjoy the ride.
We don't race in and out of traffic unless we are training for the Indy 100.
So ya gotta be nice in the bathroom even if you have to just go.
By the time the bathroom wait is over, you have walked into a well used stall,  relieved yourself of the impending doom, exited the inward swinging bathroom stall door and managed to only get your purse and backside dunked into the toilet, then maneuvered around the others in line, and to the sink- there comes the awkward moment of goodbye.
Well, you have to reach through the line to get to the paper towels, or the air blower installed in environmentally friendly bathrooms, so you have a few minutes to say that goodbye and wish them the best. But what do you say?
 What do you say to someone that seems like a long time friend? Even though minutes before you were mere strangers. ?
I've found myself just not talking. Rare. But sometimes you have to reserve your energy.
So back to summer in Idaho. White legs emerging from clothing.
Purple veins sticking out like the roots of a huge tree suddenly stripped  by a landslide/mud slide in a place no one thought water could reach.

Oh, ho, ho! How wrong meteorologists and cosmetologists and just those of us ignorant folk are!
 Oh, yes, those legs have to come OUT! Cause eventually it's hot. Then they suffer the consequences. And all the sudden you have to add shaving your legs on a daily basis to one of the jobs you don't check off on your To Do List but ya feel guilty. The hair, that kept you warm in winter you rationalized, suddenly wants to be laser -ed off once and for all!

No more cutting your shins with a dull razor as you sit precariously atop the bathroom counter, with your white leg crying under some white shaving cream, or conditioner from a hotel stayed in some time ago, or better yet, a bar of Irish Spring that sat on a shelf for two or three years, neglected cause of its dryness. No! It is smooth sailing skin from here on out!
 (Irish spring isn't the smoothest lubricant on the block but Padre loves it.)

So back to my hair rant which will lead to my solution for white legs....

NO!!!! White legs everywhere are picketing for equality! They have unionized, gotten on buses and headed to the WHITE HOUSE in droves. There they can really make a change by walking around in front of a building that empathizes with their feelings behind the black gate.

However, the White House is manicured daily and that could cause some jealousy. But, shhh- don't tell. Just make they jealous.

THAT'S RIGHT! A lot legs are jealous and can't wait to hide under an expensive wrap from Wal-Mart that is meant to hide your legs but pretend you would shed it when the tide came in.

So are you ready for what I laughed about in the middle of the night and then made a mental note to write about? Here it comes!

I sprayed fake tan on my legs one day.

Yup. I bought a can of it at Wal-Mart. Since my legs have protested against actual sun, having changed their stance from when I was a teen and naturally just soaked in that lovely honey golden rays and made me feel cooler when I unwrapped my towel and dove into a pool like an Olympic medalist competing in the games
- slicing through water without a ripple.

Where was I? I was on the bean bag that I had covered with old towels cause I didn't want to spray paint Padre's carpet even if the bottle said the "tan" only lasted a few days or week or so.
Carpet tans waaayyyy easier and longer than legs from a tan in a can.

So that's it, Readers. Kinda anti-climatic, huh. For some reason I laughed and thought it would be a great blog post .
For your sakes I have tried to bring in guest bloggers. Like J. Or Padre. But they look at me as if I asked them to go to an appointment for me or something; like it will be a pain in the back side; waste of time, or something.

So, yeh.... I painted on a tan. When you see me, let me know what you think. Oh, and if you saw my legs and they looked red- it wasn't the tan can's fault nor the sun, just a minor allergic reaction to something that made me look beet red.But that is another blog post.  Oh, and if you see a tan and then white parts, that is just where my leg hairs cast a shadow when I was spraying the tan on. Not a big deal.

=Just a head's up! The grass is growing so there are mowing stories to share in upcoming lawn posts. You know how much J. loves that! And this year he gets to juggle a few. And football is in September and so we start training for that, like, in the Spring while we gut out track and sit through windy 'first of the season' baseball games.

So those boys are out there doing football drills to get ready for September. It's really confusing mixing all those sports. Kids don't know if it school is in session, if it's holiday, or summertim

Maybe white legs will help them know it is summer...

White legs reflecting the sun off them like a solar panel even when the kids are swimming in the water. So, Readers, please wear sunglasses. The glare off the glassy water is one thing but for those of us whose tans wash off like a loosely double knotted string bikini when it sees a riptide, we can't be held responsible.

So forgive us for any UVA of UVM or Uof U or USU rays  that come off our legs that could ruin your health.

One last question: Should I just go natural?

Bag the tan and worrying about wearing flip flops and someone looking at my feet and WHITE legs
offering to buy me a membership to Tan America? Cause really, at this point, I mean who am are my legs trying to impress? I will just ditch short shorts and stick with the longer ones called pants.

Update- I tried the Neurtrogenia Tan in a Can. Worked great. However the person applying it didn't take the precautions for joint areas so I am tanner in some spots.

The good news is that my feet are no longer white, white. the tan covers a couple shades and makes the bulging purple veins less obvious. However, there is bad news and that is my feet now look "dirty" in some areas. So folks might think I have a skin problem, or I don't scrub my feet. Or I missed a few spots while in the tub.

The parts I like tan are washing off but not my feet. This is sounding like an episode for Seinfeld.

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