Journal Entry

There is a post needing editing worthy of putting out to the world but I need to just write. To document my health for those of you who are searching for answers like I often do on hard nights.

It is late. Actually, early in the morning. No sleep this night. I am grateful tho for a nice warm bed.
I have gone from my buck, my recliner, to the high maintenance bean bag that needs foofing each night, to the upstairs, then back to my bed.

This bed has held some serious memories. Added some to it yesterday. Who wants to be house bound? The picture above holds a scene from one of the years that I could get a garden in. Oh, how I wish that I had the energy to do a grand garden this year.

The good news is that I will have tulips. Yes, my friend helped me. It was hard. But we got them in.
I can not tell you how happy flowers make me. Planting them, watering and weeding, being amongst things that grow. Setting the water to make the grass green and lush.

It is camo colored right now. Taupe, dead grass colored matting in the front and back. I think I need to tell J. to grab a rake and "fluff" it so it can get growing into some spring greeness.
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these thoughts are a good sign. Because they mean that I still have hope. Lots of things have changed in my world.

A friend told me today about a loved one being sick and unable to even get to the bathroom. Another friend has a close friend just diagnosed with cancer. So much we have to go through in life!

Today when I had pain J asked me exactly how it felt and then informed me it was not kidney failure.
He happens to be reading a lot in the library and that was one of the things he read. hum.

Another friend brought me a scarf she made that is scrunchy and cute. I can't wait to wear it. Which will most likely be to a Dr. appt. or run an errand.

So often I wonder what it would be like to have things be Normal again. Or maybe this Is normal.
Okay, for those who have Crohns this is the status- nothing is happening or turning around on Stelara.
It is still early in the game but that is what I am finding. And I still was having joint pain so we will see if I can turn that around.

The doctors are going to try a different cocktail of meds to see if we can stop the current flare.
One person I saw told me about a transplant. I asked what she meant. A transplant of a normal person's "good" fecal matter. Yeh, I know.

But you get desperate and will try anything to just stop whatever it is the body is doing and why it is attacking itself.

In the mean time- I have had friends visit or call and it has boosted my spirits. Stalwart people I have met and learn from have helped me pull myself away from the darkness that comes with disease and chronic problemos.

So badly I want to make a contribution more than I am. I have dreams where I am my normal, young self and it will be with friends from my younger days. They have been almost so real that I can't believe it when I am awake that it didn't happen. I almost want to call the person that was in the dream and tell them it was so good to see them!

I wonder if it is God's way of helping me keep up with them? Oh, well. Just a dream. Sleep is upon me now. Thank heaven.