So I am locked out of my email account.
The site asked random question that I outfoxed even myself with, and now I can't check my email. How am I supposed to remember my Uncle's Monkey's Maiden Name?
Gosh.
So I am writing you in the new old fashioned, Amanda way- a letter per my blog. One because I am to lazy to write or call you. And two, because this is too funny not to share with the millions of down trodden, bored, or otherwise curious about why I would think
God has a sense of humor folks out there.
The God head is not only slightly jovially, but I think has a wickedly funny sense of humor. And he knows when to pull it out and tease you. When you are at the end of your rope. Taking things too serious. Need a good ribbing. Although it does bring flashback of familial ribbing growing up and that's just not funny.Until later in life or something. Because family moments of teasing usually involve jokes steeped in sarcasm and mindless life bearing scars if you don't find your sense of humor.
That is where I was. Not in the funny mode. I was In the:
"this particular event, trial, and office visit is dragging on a looooong time mode."
The mode where you look off into space and forget that there's a Celestial realm and a black hole or two that could be a symbol of what you are going through. Which could be where you are; drifting in a black hole!!!!- but at least I was able to laugh inwardly for a minute about beign in a
black hole.
In outer space. Seemingly
Indefinitely, or at least until a Dr. or a pharmaceutical company rides the Milky Way tosses some good news. Which I wonder how that would work; research on paper or transmitted to me somehow and how would they administer a prescription medication while in a black hole? Is it possible? Star Trek or Star Wars junkies get back to me on this. .....
The Godhead being funny and teasing at our expense, isn't LDS doctrine from my church, Readers. But I just have this sneaky suspicion...
After what happened the other day at a Dr. appt., not only was I converted into believing He has a sense of humor, but doesn't mind playing a harmless prank here and there once in awhile.
This particular prank took place across town, on a COLD, no, FRIGID COLD morning in Idaho. At a Dr. appt. One of the many so I was in a really patient mood. It took place on a morning where the sound of your footsteps crunching on the snow is more of a gravel sound and the shoveled snow on the sides of the drive are not mounds of pretty, rolling hills- but scattered with black and white stained shards of large glass. Because we don't shovel snow at this point, but ice. And it breaks up into pieces of that candy bark that comes on neighborhood goodie gift trays.
So Mary starts. And right there we are in good shape cause it is sub zero something. And I needed to get to this appt.
When I arrived to the appt, signed in and sat down to wait I stayed bundled up to keep warm. Which meant I looked like a Giant Marshmallow. I had on a jacket over my long john underwear, an fleece vest and then an Eddie Bauer coat that has lasted me since my days at USU.
That coat isn't too poofy and the recently the zipper has been acting up. Which is a shame. Because when you have something that does the job, it is hard to see it hit the end of its life.
No worries! We have a lady here at a Dry Cleaners that is apparently the Yoda of Zippers.
So I am almost hoping to get a chance to see her in action. Because as we all know once a zipper is done, it's done. You are out of luck. That particular piece of clothing is DONE. Unless you want to go around unzipped. Which can work with some jackets.
So I was all bundled, zipped to the lips and even kept my gloves on.
There was an older couple to my left who looked to be in pretty good health. I was facing the TV that is a special channel that these Dr.s must get that are along the lines of elevator music; the idea is to keep ya calm and mildly alert as you endure a dreary wait for whatever floor to you need to get to.
To my right was a mother with some small children playing with the table and chairs and other toys available to a waiting room. So glad I didn't have to entertain a toddler while waiting for an appt.- not a blast when you feel like death warmed over.
Then it hit. Emergency bathroom need! AAAHHHH! I was toasty warm! I didn't want to go! But I was early for the appt. and it was urgent. I jumped up from my spot where I was watching some video about plaque building up in the arteries of your body and what things were necessary to keep it from happening or something. All I registered was that the people on the pre-recorded videos are in top health condition, very positive, and even plug in the name of the GI clinic I was in. Like Taylor Swift doing a voice over for a radio station on one of her songs or something.
As I walked to the bathroom just a few feet away, I started peeling the layers. The bathroom was ice cold. AND it didn't have a hook on the back of the door for any of my stuff. The coats, my huge yellow purse. There wasn't any place to put my stuff.
I take that back. Above the sink was a little shelf that could have held a small purse. So I did my best to juggle all my things without resorting to putting my stuff on the floor.
This was no small feat, Care! I had to put the coats in one arm, balance my heavy purse over my shoulder and keep all of them from dropping in the toilet as I placed the toilet bib on top of the seat.
(You know those paper outlines of the seat that should make you feel safer that you are sharing that seat with a lot of people. Especially in a GI clinic. )
Finally, I got sat down, adjusted my bag onto my lap and wearily rested my elbows onto it. The LOUDEST blast came out of nowhere. Here I was in this vulnerable position and it sounded as if a fire alarm had gone off briefly. And it wasn't from the toilet.
My initial response was to duck and cover. J and I had watched a little video the day before about a man named the 'Candy Bomber'. He WWII pilot who dropped candy from the sky. So my mind must have been in WWII aircraft mode, but since I was already on the commode, I could only really react with a head bending, scrunched shoulders, brace for the bomb.
Surprisingly, under the pressure of such an alarm; still unknown at this point, I didn't scream. But it did scare the "turap" outta me. (This is a cute saying J. used when he was scared on a Halloween night by some pranksters. Good thing he went to Peach Therapy to get his speech impediment fixed.)
Well, the alarm came from my purse. I'd packed some of that elaborate safety. and I carry around for protection, into my purse. A big blast from the boat horn had been set off by my elbows while I was sitting on the throne, in the GI's office, out in the middle of space in a black hole.
I'd never done a trial run on the Boat Horn; so I was unaware of the volume, length and its ability to draw attention. I now know it works. Really well. Even in a black hole.
This blow horn woke me from my chilly coma, started the blood pumping into my outer extremities so as to warm me and it startled me to a ttention and deducing how I could possibly have to evacuate the building.
Once I realized it was just a "pracitice drill", I could only shake my head, and laugh.
The whole waiting room had to have heard the horn. As I performed impeccable abilities to clean up and keep all of my things from gracing the tiled floor, I wondered what on earth I was going to say when I left the bathroom. ??????????????????????
"Don't worry folks, false alarm." ?? Do I compose my laughter before I walk out? Will they think I was trying to undue the plumbing or something in the bathroom and find my smile a guilty verdict?
As it happens, I went with this: Girl exits bathroom after huge blast feigned deafness. Surprisingly, Nobody seemed too interested or curious when I walked back to my chair. Which was some prettttttyyyy good acting on their part as well. Or maybe they thought it was the pipes. too?
This event was totally a wake up call. The drowsiness I felt; Gone. The downhearted, boo hoo, why me? feelings were totally down the drain. I could not help but smile. Or try to keep from smiling and laughing. Which made me look like I was in the wrong Dr.s office.
This Celestial prank was payback for me wanting to use the horn on my friend's kid while they watched a movie one night. The HS kids were down in her basement watcing a movie in the theater late at night and we were getting sleepy. Some of them were cozying up to each other on the couches and getting into that warm, safe, unaware you are gonna get a wake up call.
Earlier in the eveining the house had been a buzz with three or four friends for each of her kids. She'd even fallen asleep on the couch upstairs while I'd been reading. All the hullaballoo sent me down stairs. But she was in a coma for a bit and when she woke up she was surrounded by the teens oblivious to the poor mom on the couch! They continued to yap and giggle, etc. So she sent them downstairs. Where I was. DOH!
So when we were talking upstairs later that night I devised a plan to use the boat horn on them while they watched their movie. We laughed like we did when we were kids and getting into trouble. I couldn't wait to see them jump.
Well, I Failed to follow through because by the time it was all quiet and perfect to scare them, I'd fallen asleep. My lightweightness can really be a downer. So the wake up call backfired on ME in the Gastro's office while on the john, no less!
Darn teens. I gotta tell Ann about this too.
The only explanation I have for this was that I was getting too serious, the Lord knew I needed a wake up call and a good laugh. The only sad thing was, there was nobody to share the moment with! Old couple either didn't hear it, or were too kind to wonder what on earth..... and the kids playing must have thought it was a mock fire drill or something.
I'm going to have to find a new way for safety. The pepper spray is still a debatable tactic.. The horn.... I don't know if it would phase anyone in a parking lot. So it's back to the drawing board!
Because there is NO WAY I"m having that kind of scare EVER again.
Any Readers out there with some ideas for safety?
I think what I am going to do is go buy a hook for the Teton Gastro's bathroom door. I don't care if they even reimburse me. I'm going to Home Depot, buying a sturdy hook for coats and a nice bag, taking Padre's drill out to the office, and screwing that puppy in place!
How is your week going? Call me cause I am going to have to contact the email folks about them locking me out!
Ahoy,
A
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